I was on the way to church camp when I pulled out a CD to put in for the ride. My dad was driving me and listening to the words of the songs. I remember hearing the lyrics and singing,
“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes”
Those lyrics hit my soul in a way that most other songs didn’t. My dad, after listening to two or three songs, said, “They all sound the same”. I remember arguing with him, telling him how different each song was and how it was so raw and honest. For the first time, with Chester’s music, I felt heard and understood.
Then I got an iPod. This was a treat. For the low price of 99 cents, I could download whatever song I wanted to! Since I had already ripped Hybrid Theory on my computer, I bought “Minutes to Midnight”.
“Like this war’s really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn’t cater to rich and abandon poor
Like they understand you, in the back of their jet
When you can’t put gas in your tank
These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank, and cashing their check
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect
For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay…”
“Risk something, take back what’s yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for
‘Cause I’m sick of being treated like I had before
Like it’s stupid standing for what I’m standing for…”
“And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In the living room, laughing like, “What did he say?”
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen”
I was listening to that song in the recreation center as my family was preparing for the DeGray Lake Triathlon. My dad was an endurance sporting event producer and this event was the biggest one of the year. Packet Pick-up was a three day ordeal and one of the events caused me to miss church. I was miserable. I felt that missing church was the worst thing that I could do. It didn’t matter if I was helping put on an event to get people to be more in tune with their bodies – I was missing church.
BUT that song said “Amen” in it so that kept me feeling at bay. None of the Christian music sang to the emotions that I felt. Yeah, I know that the music wasn’t supposed to be about me, but I felt trapped with how much that music made me feel like absolute shit. I was constantly singing about giving everything away to God and how I was a dirty sinner that didn’t deserve anything good. It solidified the abuse that I received by my youth minister. It made it seem okay.
Linkin Park, however, was real. It said the things that I couldn’t say. They said the things that I felt if I did say, I would get punished for. Having that voice in my earbuds was something that I was so grateful for. As I got older and more submersed by the church, the voice in my head got louder and louder. The lyrics encouraged me to talk and become who I am today.